


The Ultimate Bout!

by Clefster1 (zephyrprince)



Category: Fushigi Yûgi: The Mysterious Play
Genre: Asian Character(s), Asian Woman Character(s), Canon - Anime, Chromatic Character(s), Chromatic Source Creator(s), Chromatic Source(s), Crack, English language, Gen, Gen Fic, Humor, Inside Joke(s), Japanese Character(s), Japanese Source(s), Japanese Woman Character(s), POC source creator(s), Self-Insert, US Character(s), Woman Source Creator(s), Woman of Color Character(s), Woman of Color Source Creator(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-04-21
Updated: 2001-04-21
Packaged: 2017-10-15 09:00:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/159209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zephyrprince/pseuds/Clefster1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nakago and Hotohori have an eating contest. FDA WARNING: If you think this fanfiction is stupid, you probably don't need to be tested for Mad Cow Disease.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spoons

**Author's Note:**

> Though this is mostly made up of a series of inside jokes I can barely even recall the meaning of, I wanted to archive it here for memory preservation.
> 
> It was originally posted on fanfiction.net at http://www.fanfiction.net/s/261808/1/The_Ultimate_Bout

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi: The Mysterious Play, the characters in it, or Savage Garden. I also don't own any bullet-proof glass, but who cares. Disclaimers are stupid.

WARNING: There is a bit of FY character bashing going on in this fic, and I would just like to make it known that I like Fushigi Yuugi a lot, and I wouldn't feel comfortable writing this if I didn't. So if you love these characters please don't take offense and if you think you will then don't read it.

Chapter 1: Spoons

The bet was sealed, and the two contenders sat down at the table. The steaks were high…yes I would say hanging from the ceiling is pretty high. Oh ya, and the fact that the loser would have to die…well that wasn't too big deal. These things seemed to happen often in the Universe of the five gods. …Four Gods, excuse me. [Narrator sips his "drink"]

Anyway, Hotohori's face revealed no nervousness. He wore the same placid expression he always did. ALWAYS! However, his insides were turning to Jell-O (For anyone who cares it was Watermelon flavored Jell-O) at the thought of having to face his arch-nemesis in a battle of such high class that required such elegant precision. It was the art of eating. [at the word eating, an ominous drum solo plays in background]

"Wait a minute!" Miaka yelled out breaking the tense silence, "The narrator is right [narrator flashes a peace sign], it should be the Universe of the Five Gods. I nominate Tama-neko to be a god!" as Miaka made her proposal she lifted her hand to point towards the East and the Japanese flag waved behind her obscuring the rest of the room.

That weird little short boy who looks like a girl walked over with his head stuck down in a book, utterly destroying Miaka's moment, "All those in favor?"

"Aye," everyone said in unison. [they were also all thinking in unison that Miaka was a drunk]

Suddenly, for no apparent reason other than the fact that he had just been democratically voted to be a god in what was supposedly ancient China {Has anyone else notice that they make a big deal of the Universe of the Four Gods being ancient China in like the first three episodes and then its never mentioned again?}, Tama floated up to the ceiling and started glowing yellow. He disappeared and entered the realm of the gods, but not before bumping his head on a steak.

"Blaaaaaaah!" Nakago yelled out. He was tired of waiting to start the contest. Finally he had a quality opportunity to rid himself of the king of Kohnan and claim what was rightfully his.

"Keep your pants on…for all our sakes…we're about to start, no da," Chichiri said in his happy "not a care in the world" (a.k.a. "I'm on LSD and I see flying pink sushi") voice.

Hotohori and Nakago sat down at opposite sides of a table [Wait isn't that how the story started?]. They picked up their silverware and stared each other down…like victims in the grind. {The creators of this story would like to apologize for the narrator's Savage Garden tangent}

"I need to go to the baaaaaaathroom," said a small voice from the kindergarten audience.

"OK, take five, guys" the narrator said as the actors went offstage to chat amongst themselves.

NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z (oops): The kindergarten returns from the bathroom and the eating battle ensues!


	2. Forks

It was the bottom of the ninth, the bases were loaded…

"Get out of here. This is my story" Th dashing narrator with the cool hat said as he pushed the stupid sports caster off the stage.

The steaks were high, and now they were being cut. Tasuki cut both steaks at the same time so they when they hit the table it would symbolize the beginning of the match.

Hotohori ripped into his tossing his utensils out of the way. He could eat faster primal with his fingers. The women (not including Miaka because she was on an acid high at the time) observing this were shocked. How could such a cool guy use such ghastly manners?

Hotohori called out to his admirers, "…because my life is on the line." Reassured, his loyal subjects continued chanting their battle cry.

"Dang, that battle cry sounds more like a painfully high pitched Xena war cry, no da," said the person sitting right next to Tasuki who was drooling over the ten trays of chicken that were being brought out. If you don't know who that is you should notice the no da and then slap yourself.

The chickens were being inhaled by the two contestants, but Nakago had a slight lead having eaten the lent that fell out of the cook's pocket. Nakago ate furiously not even bothering to chew most bites. He felt all alone because everyone in the stands was cheering for Hotohori. His heart sank and he was disheartened.

"That usually happens when your heart sinks, ya know" Chichiri said to the annoyed narrator.

"Just like a ch-ch-cherry cola," Tamahome sang. No one had noticed him and he was apparently totally unaware of his surroundings.

The third course was brought out: beef. The crowd went wild as Hotohori polished off a whole plate before Nakago had even taken his first bite. Tamahome who had noticed the life threatening battle that was taking place popped up and started singing the "beeftech" song.

"Jema buen, jema buen, jema buen la beeftech?" he sang out in his broken French.

A random woman ran across the "battle" field, "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, sesoir?" And then she ran off.

Agents began to throw happy meals at the contestants, who promptly ate them. Hotohori was momentarily distracted by the little Disney toy that came with his. ("It is an evil organization feeding off the hopes and dreams of little kids and Hotohori, no da") That was just the opportunity for Nakago to attack the cook and eat all of the next course.

In five minutes he had taken the lead in a major way. He had consumed 150 hot dog wieners. "Now you shall die," he yelled at Hoto-kun as he bit into his one 151st dog.

"That was a major tactical error," Tasuki whispered to Chichiri trying to sounds smart. Does anybody know why Tasuki has fangs?

Oww….the narrator picked up the diamond fan that had been lobbed at him by Tasuki.

Miaka did a jig with an equally high Tamahome, and Kjerstie fell on her butt trying to chase a pigeon. As she fell, birdseed flew out of her pocket onto the sidewalk. Hotohori seized the moment, for as Tasuki had tried to point out, Nakago had freed him from his trance state by taunting him. So he ate the birdseed.

The two dug through five more courses: tacos, beans, salad, ketchup, and wedding cake. They were neck and neck (ooh, not like that…I mean…they were tied) as they finished the cake. They were both worn out from all that eating.

Nakago was feeling sorry for himself again, "I can not allow myself to lose to the evil forces of good. I can not. I WILL NOT! I will find a secret power in my…or a whale's…heart." As he said this something in his robe bumped up against his heart. "Ooooh." The cooks were all dead or asleep so the two contestants would have to fend for themselves and find stuff to eat, and Nakago stumbled on what could mean victory and life…

Author's Comments for this chapter: I know it's dumb, but that's the point. Plus, I am inspired by milk.


	3. Knives

The key to winning any battle…the key to winning any contest…the key to winning any game…is having an ace up your sleeve. In this case it was in is robe, but close enough, don't you think? He had found it and it would soon be all over…

Nakago slowly reached into his purple robe and pulled out a…

"Nooooooo!" Hotohori cried as he realized what was happening.

…A STICK OF GRAPE BUBBLEGUM!

The crowd gasped, "GASP!"

Chichiri gaped, "GAPE, no da!"

Tasuki (!) yawned, "YAWN"

Miaka took out a bottle of sake.

Tamahome…well… he sang a tune, "I wanna stand with you on a mountain!"

A drunk Miaka broke the non-moment by saying, "Shut up Tamahome, you are ruining a tense moment…besides Savage Garden stinks." {the views of Miaka do not necessarily reflect the views of the author of this story besides…she's drunk}

"Nooooo!" Hoto-sama had not changed his expression from the moment when the secret weapon was revealed. Right as Nakago was unwrapping the stylish tin foil wrapper that concealed his prize, Tamahome had an idea. [all audience members gasp]

"If I steel his gum, then he can't eat it and I can…" he thought aloud.

"Uh, whatever. Loser!" Nakago gave him the "L" on the forehead sign in his normal Clueless way.

"Did I say that out loud?" Hotohori asked.

"Actually, you said it 'aloud' according to the smart alec, over bearing, over breathing, narrator with the dumb hat." Tasuki said to that guy whom he was sure he had met somewhere before but couldn't remember since he had such as awful hangover. A French girl walked over and gave him a sip of water to help his brain.

"Darn, my idea has backfired," said a stupefied Hotohori.

Out of no where, an algebra teacher walked across the court munching on a steak. He was contemplating proposing to his horse, but he couldn't because his student forgot to bring him the information on getting a horse so he gave up in defeat and decided he would have to marry his girl friend instead. On his way out, the Canadian dropped the steak.

"Stop there peasant, what is that thing thou art chewing upon?" Hotohori asked of the math teacher.

"Being preoccupied, he did not hear Hotohori's all to polite question, and that accent is so fake. Hey wait, I'm the narrator. I don't have to talk in quotes!" the idiot narrator realized. He had also failed to realize that in Latin the noun "templum" was not second declension because to be the subject of the sentence it would have to already be in the nominative case, not accusative, therefore, it would not take a masculine personal pronoun it would take a neuter personal pronoun because it was a third declension neuter noun. Duh!

Hotohori switched gears and tried another approach, "Answer me directly, thou knave. What profession art thou?"

"I beseech the sir, be not out with me, for if you are out with me, I can mend you, thou saucy fellow, but I am of a profession that I hope I am able to use with a clear conscience. And truly sire, I am…a cobbler." Mr. Hubbard said, though he wasn't sure where that came from.

"Dang Shakespeare, be gone!" Hoto (you know if he were (subjunctive mood) an owl, Hotohori's name would so be Hoto) said in disgust.

"Screw you, he already dropped the stake, I mean steak," Nakago said in realization. The piece of gum was cast aside at the thought of this much larger prize. The piece of gum soon felt a deep feeling of distress and its self worth was heading down the tubes. Before you knew it, that piece of gum was anorexic and willing to pay people to chew it. If that doesn't tell you something about self-esteem, you're a blockhead.

The only thing the tin foil gum wrapper thought was, "Not again…42" (I'll give you a) if you can tell me what book/book series I am referencing here, but not really.)

The two competitors rushed at the steak like Isiaci trainees who have just finished their ten-day fasting time, and began to quarrel over it like little French schoolgirls named Jean-Pier.

Nakago slapped Hotohori, and Hotohori spat on Nakago's ugly shoes. Nakago tried to fling his purse (oh, excuse me…European carry-all) at Hotohori, but he blocked it with his mighty mirror (don't ya just love alliteration?). Nakago reached out to pull Hotohori's hair, and that was the sledgehammer that broke the camel's back. Hotohori let out a great roar that would strike fear into the heart of yea mother.

Hotohori reared back about to deliver the finishing blow to his bloated nemesis….

"Hey, excuse me. Hello?"

It was the French woman, and she was standing on the hill surrounded by six other people.

"Excuse me but I am not Portuguese and I do not wear sun screen!" the French woman said again defiantly.

Ok, I never said you were Portuguese. Now, what do you want, we are trying to entertain these spunky kindergartners.

"Well these three are the Well Wenches, Pepper, Lori-ko, and M. This is Petro (love the restaurant by the way), and this is Daigle. I am Su-Z, Tama no miko, and these are the Tama seishi. We are looking for our seventh member. Are you by chance the water tower monk?"

"No but I did build a water tower out of clay in high school art once," the narrator said again forgetting that he didn't have to use quotes for himself.

"Wow they found a miko and all their seishi really quick, we must all be blooming idiots," Miaka said taking a swig of Nyquil.

"That'll work. There is only one other qualification you need. You must have a kanji written somewhere on you in white."

"Not a problem. " the narrator lifted up his way cool home made hat and revealed the kanji for "baka" written on his forehead.

"Hop aboard then," Su-Z said.

The happy company got on a helicopter and flew away into the sunset singing savage Garden tunes together.

Who won the eating contest? Who will be sentenced to death? Who are these seishi and what will they wish for when the summon Tama? Will Miaka and Tamahome break up and then get back together every day for the next six months like they have for the past twelve? You'll never know because this is the last chapter. SAYO!


	4. Epilogue: Sporks

Jacky from a helicopter:

Ok, so I admit it, I lied about that being the last chapter, but I'm allowed to do that 'cause I'm the narrator. I just wanted to say that you will get to read the adventures of the Tama no Miko and seishi in a new story called Tama & Company.

SAYO!


End file.
